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Chuck Norris VS Segata Sanshiro
Chuck Norris VS Segata Sanshiro is the 44th episode of DEATH BATTLE!, featuring real life martial artist Chuck Norris and advertisement mascot Segata Sanshiro in a battle between modern gods among men. Description It's the clash of the modern tall tale legends! When a Texas karate master and a Sega Saturn hero fight to the death, who will be left? Interlude (*Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston*) Wiz: Tall tales of superhuman feats have existed for as long as man has been telling stories... and today, we pit the greatest of these legends in a clash of East meets West. Boomstick: Chuck Norris... no real introduction needed. Wiz: And Segata Sanshiro, defender of the Sega Saturn... of all things. Boomstick: He's Wiz and I'm Boomstick. Wiz: And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win... a Death Battle. Chuck Norris (*Cues: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeHa2R3QcHA Title Screen - Okami*) Boomstick: In ancient China, there was a legend that one day a child would be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. That man... is NOT Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man! (*Cues: Unknown Theme*) Wiz: Carlos Ray Norris, yes that's his real name, was born into to a humble Oklahoma family in 1940. A loner, mediocre student and all-around physically-unintimidating pacifist, his childhood was... pitiful. Boomstick: That is, until he answered the call of his country, joined the United States military, and began training in martial arts. From the day he threw his first punch, his life was changed forever. (*Cues: Party Crashers - The Expendables 2*) Wiz: Turns out, Chuck is unnaturally gifted in the ways of violence. After his military career, he wandered America for 10 years battling in martial arts competitions. He racked up 183 victories, held the professional midway karate championship title for 6 years, AND became the 1st westerner in the history of Taekwondo to earn the 8 degree black belt. Boomstick: But he didn't stop there. Chuck achieved black belt status in 5 additional disciplines: Tang Soo Do, Karate, Brazilian Jujitsu, Judo, and even one he created... CHUCK KWON DO. Wiz: Close, it's actually Chun Kuk Do, or "Universal Way". Where Chuck harnesses the powers of the universe to achieve superhuman feats. (*Cues: The Delta Force - Main Theme*) Chuck Norris: With one hand, I can crush coal into a diamond. Wiz: So impressed at himself, he hired a team of filmmakers to document his life of newfound powers. Some of these real-life accounts include the Delta Force, Walker: Texas Ranger, and Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos... just to name a few. Boomstick: According to these archives, Chuck can kick a man so hard that he does six backflips, fire more bullets from a machine gun than it can actually hold without reloading, and even transform into f***ing animals. Chuck Norris, as a bird, flies toward a hunter, who turns around and then screams as Chuck Norris transforms back and kicks him. Boomstick: Why doesn't he do that more often? Wiz: Because the most dangerous animal in the world, is Chuck Norris. (*Cues: Unknown Theme*) Wiz: Chuck has taken his already unprecedented abilities even further through over 35 years of intense training on his secret weapon, the Total Gym. Boomstick: He even had to create his own pants with a secret gusset to keep them from exploding off his body due to his sheer kicking power. He calls them... "Chuck Norris ACTION JEANS." Wiz: Naturally, powers like these has spawned hundreds-- no, thousands of myths of what Chuck Norris is capable of, making it very difficult to separate fact from fiction. That is until Chuck released a book officially chronically 101 of his favorite feats. (*Cues: Algiers - The Delta Force*) Boomstick: Fact #67: When Chuck Norris does push ups, he pushes the Earth down. Wiz: Fact #95: Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. Boomstick: Fact #80: According to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you... yesterday. Wiz: Fact #71: Scientist has estimated that the energy given off from the Big Bang was roughly equivalent to 1 CNRK: 1 Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. Boomstick: And those are just the few of the ones we know are true. In addition, legend has it that beneath his magnificent beard lies a third fist. (*Cues: Rescue - The Expendables 2*) Wiz: Chuck is as tough as they comes... or rather tougher. Once, after being beaten unconscious and buried underground inside a truck, he revived himself with a beer shower, and miraculously drove the truck OUT OF THE EARTH! Boomstick: He's proficient with many different vehicles. Speedboats, helicopters, a motorcycle that shoots rockets, and weaponized dolphins. Wiz: ...Whom he can communicate with. Chuck Norris: I'll take care of Angelfish. And you guys make sure no one gets out of here. Boomstick: He also has a keen sense of awareness, and is ready for anything. Even a giant alligator parachuting in through a window. Wiz: He also put together a team of heroes and save the world on multiple occasions. Boomstick: This really is all that is man. Wiz: But don't mistaken unrelenting masculinity for perfection. Despite his impressive martial arts records, he still suffered a total of 10 loses. Boomstick: And that's not to mention his massive amount of chest hair. Although infinite and a source of power, it makes him easily grabable, and even once aided in his own, you know, death at the hands of Bruce Lee. Wiz: Luckily for Chuck, Death itself fears him, so he just, kinda... kept going. Boomstick: In all our years or research, we've never found an opponent worthy enough to take on the roundhouse kicking, beard-punching, Texas Ranger.... until now! Sylvester Stallone (as Barney Ross): I heard another rumor, that you were bitten by a king cobra. Chuck Norris (as Booker): Yeah, I was. But after five days of agonizing pain.... the cobra died. Barney and other various characters are in disbelief after Booker states this. Segata Sanshiro (*Cues: Training Mode (Vintage Score) - Killer Instinct*) Wiz: Japanese folklore hosts a plethora of horrifying tales. Raiden, the God of Thunder, devours the stomachs of children. Kappas, monsters that dwell in rivers, drowns their victims and rip their souls out their anus... Boomstick: And then there's the legend of the karate master who will beat you within an inch of your life if you aren't playing a Sega Saturn. (*Cues: Segata Sanshiro - Main Theme*) Boomstick: His name is Segata Sanshiro. Segata throws a man, who screams. Boomstick: Men. The thrown man hits the ground, causing him to explode. Boomstick: Women. Woman: Segeta Sanshiro... Boomstick: Children. Little Boy: (crying) Segeta Sanshiro! Boomstick: Nobody is safe from Segata's wrath. Wiz: In 1997, Sega's latest console, the Sega Saturn, was failing.Nintendo was dominating the market and things seemed bleak for this once great video game titan. Boomstick: That is, until a mysterious stranger appeared with a plan so crazy, it just might work. He'd travel the land and beat the shit out of anyone not playing a Saturn. Wiz: And it did work. Sales skyrocketed, alongside the hospitalization of Japanese youth﻿, but not much is known about this mysterious savior. Boomstick: We do know that when he appeared, he had a giant Sega Saturn strapped to his back which he uses to train his physical and gaming prowess at the same time. Wiz: And he appears to be dating Sakura from Sakura Wars. Yes, he is somehow dating a video game character. Boomstick: Well I'm not surprised because this guy has done some pretty amazing things. He's kicked a baseball for a home run, raced over 60 miles per hour on ice... barefoot... and won the World Cup by THROWING a player into the ball to score the winning goal. Wiz: He is a master of disguise... and breaking and entering. He can duplicate and resize himself an unlimited number of times and once took down an entire club filled with people in only three moves. Boomstick: But his favorite and most powerful technique is his earth-shattering judo throw, which can make his victims EXPLODE upon impact... twice. Wiz: In just a few short years, Segata has successfully terrorize his entire homeland into loving Sega's floundering console. Sales even surpassed those of the Nintendo 64. Boomstick: So naturally, the Big N got jealous and launched a huge-ass missile at Sega's headquarters! Oh, corporate squabbles... Wiz: But Segata, who apparently resides on the roof of the Sega HQ, demonstrated to the world his most impressive feat of all. Boomstick: He just straight up lept off the building onto the missile and stopped it against a glass window, then flipped it around and rode it into space! Wiz: A missile of that size would travel around 3,600 miles per hour, something that no window pane in existence could possibly withstand. Just to stop it without cracking the glass, Segata would have had to make the missile weigh LESS than it should upon contact with him. The only possible explanation is that Segata is simply exempt from the laws of physics and theoretically capable of almost anything... such as surviving the vacuum of space. Boomstick: Well... until the missile blew up and he died. The nuclear missile explodes. Narrator : Segata Sanshiro wa kimitachi no kokoronou. (Segata Sanshiro will live on in your hearts.) Boomstick: ...Or did he? Wiz: The departing words from the Japanese commercial announcer claims that Segata will always live on in our hearts... but also he lived on in, you know, the regular way. Boomstick: While most are blinded by the tears of sadness in their eyes, if you look closely, you'll see what appears to be a shooting star... or Segata reentering the Earth's atmosphere. But don't just take my word for it. (*Cues: Segata Sanshiro - Main Theme (Metal)*) Wiz: One year after his supposed death, a strangely similar-looking man appeared in the game Rent A Hero #1. He mentored the main character in the ways of martial arts while claiming to have once been a great hero himself. Boomstick: Then, in 2012, as Sonic and friends competed in the Race of Ages, a man bearing a giant Sega Saturn on his back was seen steering a nuclear missile away from the track. Wiz: But the most irrefutable evidence of all came in 2013 when Segata Sanshiro himself crashed a Sega Sound Unit concert and performed his own theme song live on stage. All video footage was destroyed, but we were able to recover a few surprisingly high-quality pictures. Boomstick: And as of the February 2015 issue of Archie's Sonic the Hedgehog comic, a familiar-looking Judo master fought the blue blur in a tournament on Mobius... which is our own Earth 3,000 years in the future. There's only one logical conclusion: Segata's not only alive... he's immortal. Wiz: Death may not be able to conquer Segata, but he in turn has difficulties against the death of others. Specifically, club zombies. Boomstick: And ultimately while he successfully revived the Saturn, his skills were not enough to keep Sega on top forever. Wiz: Perhaps the reason he remains shadowed in anonymity is because he is biding his time, waiting for the right moment to step into the light and rescue Sega yet again. Boomstick: God knows they need him now more than ever. Wiz: Regardless, it's safe to say that all should heed Segata's parting words... or else. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! (You must play the Sega Saturn!) Death Battle In a log cabin next to a forest and mountain, Chuck Norris is seen sitting on a couch and watching television. TV announcer: We'll return to Delta Force right after these messages. On the television, a commercial for the Sega Saturn comes on and Segata Sanshiro appears. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! (You must play Sega Saturn) Chuck Norris presses on his remote and changes to channel 10, but it too is a Sega Saturn commercial with Segata. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! The commercial continues with footage from Sonic R, but it is changed to channel 39, where Segata once again appears dressed as Santa. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! It changes to channel 13. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan... It changes to channel 25. Segata Sanshiro: Sega... It changes to channel 69. Segata Sanshiro: Satan... It changes to channel 40. Segata Sanshiro: Shiro! Chuck Norris goes to change the channel by pressing on his remote once again, but then the television screen begins to warp and Segata jumps out of the TV with a giant Sega Saturn on his back, leaving the television broken. Chuck Norris stands up as Segata tosses the system at him. Chuck Norris proceeds to crack the system and turn it to dust with one hand. (*Cues: Snapped - Air Gear*) FIGHT! Segata shouts and dashes at Chuck Norris, going for his Judo throw, but he steps back out of its range and punches Segata in the head. Barely phased, Segata punches him in the head as well. Chuck Norris strikes Segata's chest, Segata does the same to Chuck, and Chuck Norris does a downward punch to Segata. The two both exchange a number of blows as a faster rate, then Chuck Norris backflips, pulls out a machine gun, and fires it at Segata. Segata simply gets into his stance and the bullets simply bounce off of Segata's chest. While still firing his machine gun, Chuck Norris kicks Segata, knocking him through the cabin into a tree. Segata still stands as the tree he had struck breaks behind him. Chuck Norris looks over at Segata from the hole in his cabin and points at him and clenches his fist. Chuck Norris: If you come back in here, I'm gonna hit you with so many rights that you're gonna beg for a left. Segata lifts up the broken tree and spins it around at a rapid rate before throwing it at Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris rolls below its as it destroys his cabin. Chuck Norris covers the distance quickly and strikes Segata with an uppercut, then two more punches to his head. Seeing Segata remaining unphased, Chuck Norris unveils his third first from underneath his beard and uppercuts Segata with it as well. He then runs around the Earth within an instant, leaving a fiery trail behind him, to punch Segata in the back of the head. The impact levels the entire forest as Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles. Segata leaps out of the wreckage and Judo throws Chuck Norris into the mountain. Chuck Norris manages to recover from the throw, but his impact with the mountain causes an explosion. Shortly afterward, another explosion occurs, destroying the mountain. Segata overlooks the ruined mountain, then walks away. Chuck Norris flies back to the battlefield leaving a small crater where he is as Segata turns around. (*Cues Yooo - (Kabuki Sound Effect)*) Chuck Norris and Segata stare down each other as Segata's clones surround Chuck Norris. The Segata's all perform the same stance. (*Cues: Ethan Meixsell - Thor's Hammer*) Suddenly, one of them grabs Chuck Norris from behind and throws him at another clone, who kicks him, then at another who punches him in the head, and another who kicks him in the groin. From above, the circle of Segata's continue knocking Chuck Norris back and forth until one Segata clone throws him to the ground. As Chuck Norris lies there, the ground begins shaking, revealed to be Segata's footsteps as a giant. Segata roars as he goes for a punch, but Chuck Norris he blocks the punch with one of his own and then uppercuts Segata. Chuck Norris then leaps upward into the air and lands on Segata, knocking him through the ground. As it turns out, he actually knocked Segata through the entire Earth, breaking the planet in half. Chuck Norris does a push up and pushes the ground, causing his half of the planet to fly towards towards the moon where Segata is. It strikes the moon, breaking it in half and pushing Segata. On that half of the earth, Sanshiro punches the half back and then while in space notices that he is by Saturn as its ring gives off a glow. Segata takes Saturn's ring and flips it multiple times to increase its speed and power. Segata Sanshiro: Sega satan shiro! Segata finally throws the ring as Chuck Norris sees it flying towards him, even cutting through Mars in the process. It strikes Chuck Norris and breaks through Venus and Mercury before sending the two into the sun. Segata arrives riding an asteroid as Chuck Norris exits the sun as it reaches critical mass. The sun explodes as Chuck and Segata stare at each other as the "Deal with it" sunglasses fall on them. Their sunglasses come off and the two see that the explosion had created a black hole, which grows in size, eventually bringing the two into it. (*Cues: Cues To Glory - Two Steps From Hell*) They both attempt one final blow as Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick and Segata's punch clash with each other. As their blows collide, allusions of the three fully-evolved starter Pokémon standing near each other, Ryu battling Scorpion, Captain America battling Batman, Sol Badguy battling Ragna, and even a 2D image of Super Saiyan God Goku punching Superman appear. The sheer power of their blows combined with the black hole causes everything to disappear. In the aftermath, there is a constellation of stars which form Chuck Norris and Segata Sanshiro fighting. KO? Announcer: Apocalyptic! Results (*Cues: The Expendables 2 - Respect*) Boomstick: Holy shit, that was awesome! But who won? Wiz: I... don't... know. I think they're still going. Our instruments just can't pick them up anymore. I believe they might have ripped a hole in space time. So, they either traveled to another dimension, or completely destroyed their plane of existence... or both. Boomstick: Well, God have mercy on wherever they ended up. I guess this one just kinda spaced out. Trivia *The connections between Chuck Norris and Segata Sanshiro is that both are martial artists whose fame has reached legendary, and often exaggerated, proportions to the extent that they are believed to be immortal/invincible. *This is the second episode to feature a non-fictional character (Chuck Norris), after Justin Bieber VS Rebecca Black. **This is, however, the first time a non-fictional character fights a fictional character. *Segata Sanshiro's bio at the first part of the analysis references the fact that his actor, Hiroshi Fujioka, played the role of the very first Kamen Rider. *Pokémon Battle Royale, Batman VS Captain America, Ragna VS Sol Badguy, Ryu VS Scorpion and a 2D version of the yet-unreleased Goku VS Superman 2 are shown after a rip in space time is shown. **During Goku VS Superman 2's shot, Goku was shown fighting in his Super Saiyan God form. **The Pokémon Battle Royale also had some changes in the background, appearing more 3D-like ** Aside from the Pokémon Royale and Goku vs Superman 2, all the fights shown were animated by Zack, who also did this episode. ** Since the universe and space-time as a whole were likely destroyed at the end of this fight, it is possible that the instances of the fights seen in the background were destroyed as well, even SSJG Goku vs. Superman. *This is the first time Death Battle did not use the standard KO! title card at the end of the battle; instead, KO? is shown. **It is also the first time the announcer has said something other than "FIGHT!" or "KO!" *This is would be the third episode to end in a draw, after Goomba VS Koopa and Justin Bieber VS Rebecca Black, and the next one being Deadpool VS Pinkie Pie. **However, this is the first Death Battle where neither contestant dies, making it inconclusive. *There is an error in animation during the fight scene. When Chuck bounce off the giant Segata sending him through and cracking the Earth, he jumps off on the right side of the fissure. Yet when he pushes the Earth down towards the moon, it's the left side that moves. *The fight makes a few cameos in future episodes: **The constellation makes a cameo in Guts VS Nightmare, when Nightmare launches Guts into the air. **In Solid Snake VS Sam Fisher, the ending animation appears on the computer Sam is hacking while the part where they wear sunglasses appears inside of Snake's box. **In Naruto VS Ichigo, in the animation right after the battle ended it is shown that they are still fighting. **In Doctor Strange VS Doctor Fate, Doctor Fate warps both himself and Doctor Strange to The Bifrost Bridge of Asgard where the constellation representing Chuck and Segata appears as one of the background elements at the location. *This is the first DEATH BATTLE! to feature the redesigned DEATH BATTLE! logo on the thumbnail. *Watchmojo.com listed this episode as an honorable mention on their "Top 10 Screw Attack: Death Battle Episodes" list alongside Vegeta VS Shadow, Starscream VS Rainbow Dash, Terminator VS RoboCop, and Wolverine VS Raiden. Category:Fights animated by Zack Category:Animated Sprite battles Category:Joke Battles Category:Season 2 episodes Category:Death battles Category:Ties Category:East meets West battles Category:Heroes themed Death Battles Category:Sponsorless Death Battles Category:Protagonists themed Death Battles